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  • Alexandra Hillenbrand

thankful

I've been feeling very thankful lately. I think for the first time in a long time, I do not feel plagued by intense feelings that make me feel heavy and weighed down. In having this burden of sadness finally lifted off of my shoulders, it has been replaced by another feeling of anxiety (because, of course, I could never just be chill.) - a fear of going through life without gratitude for everything I have been blessed with.

I am aware that this is a good problem to have - to want to soak up the joy and love in every room I walk into. Even now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop with my sister and I feel ansty to make jokes and distract her from her flashcards so that I can spend more time with her. She is, however, studying to be a doctor. So, I'm working very hard to be respectful of her grind.

I feel practically overwhelmed with emotions, and I think it is a result of how much time I have wasted feeling blue. (Not that most of the time that was in my control.) I call it making up for lost time, and its making me feel practically giddy to be able to finally be in a place in my life where I can exhale without reservations.

Every person in my life is good and lovely with wonderfully human souls. No one is perfect and yet, without a doubt, that makes them even better. I'm dedicating this post to every person who has ever made me smile, laugh, or listened to me. To whoever has sat in a Panera bread and eaten rubber eggs with me, or trusted me enough to prepare them for an interview (even though I had to mute myself to giggle), or sent me a PenPal letter, or listened to a two hour breakdown of my day (shoutout my parents), or told me to start calling myself a freelance writer instead of shyly laughing off the question of 'what are you doing for work?'.

To my friends who have given me the space to be my very unique self and make me feel loved for it. To my parents who have since become my best friends, despite threatening to charge me rent. To a reconnected best friend who it feels like I never spent a day apart from. To my dogs who are ever needy for hugs and treats.

I am so truly and certainly grateful for the life that I'm living. It's not perfect, but its mine, and I'm grateful that I finally feel ready to enjoy it.


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