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  • Alexandra Hillenbrand

flooded

It has been a chronic tendency of mine to succumb to my untetherable emotions. When life gets hard, I often feel like I am flooded by a storm of cynical thoughts that lend themselves to the idea that I don't have the capability to ever be happy. For me, any encounter that I have had with happiness has been fleeting and unsubstantial. Like a jar of fireflies you crack open before the sun sets. You set them free, but you feel their ache when they go. Midnights are eternal.

Due to all the time I have spent chasing the high of sorrows, I have committed myself to fleeing from feeling. I run away from the lows and distract myself with the nothings. Basking in the peace and the simplicity of static. It is much easier for the mind to neglect the hurt in the world in which it exists and focus on the numbness of inconsequential recreations.

When I am alone, I will often pretend that healing entails a lack of emotion. Sadness can feel like weakness. If I don't believe I need to feel affected by something, I rationalize to myself that I am not allowed to be hurt. If I know I am moving forward on the correct path for myself, then why do pieces of my resolve crumble beneath a broken heart?

You can't avoid the vein of your feelings. It's there, beneath the surface, lingering and promising to push you off the cliff of your purpose. Although, the credit belongs to you. You climbed up that cliff yourself, why would you ever let something as light as the wind knock you down?

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