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  • Alexandra Hillenbrand

Almost

The concept of almost never fails to escape me. Like I "almost" finished the book but I got distracted by my phone. I "almost" made the train but I got stuck in traffic. I "almost" made a friend, but I forgot to open my mouth. I "almost" got an A, but procrastinated the final assignment. I "almost" got hit by a truck, but when they honked their horn I ran. "Almost" always happens to me, but I'm beginning to think that I'm the cause of it.

Have you ever done a really hefty self-sabotage, one that really makes you wonder if you're your own worst enemy? Like cancelling a plan that you were really excited about, but suddenly, you're nerves have made you too nauseas to go. I'm sure that it was not intention, to self-sabotage, but aren't all the things we do subconsciously intended? What I can't decide is this - is it our mind's way of protecting us from failure, or protecting us from success? Either way, I've realize it's much easier to mend ourselves to our version of 'normal', no matter how exhaustive or unproductive it is. Success is a change and so is failure. It turns out, we'd rather be mediocre.

'Oh, I meant to, I forgot, I thought about it' - these phrases have all come out of my mouth, probably today actually. And they all mean the same thing. They are all a measure of almost. Of the things that was I supposed to do, but didn't. Or the moments that never came, but it was for the better. That's the weird thing about it, it seems to always work out for the best. Almost.

Almosts are hard for a person who tends to live under the blanket of nostalgia. They make you wish you could go back in time and change things. It's true that, if you knew then what you know now, you would pick the path of least resistance. You would choose the existence that is conceived without regret. For people like me, those whose minds dwell in the past, we hold onto hope that one day this might be true. That one day we'll be able to relive our lives as the perfect humans we aspire to me, and we'll never have to think about the past again. Right?

Wrong.

The reality behind mistakes, wrong choices, and estranged relationships is that they all happen for a reason. The reason is often just to learn what to or what not to do in the future. Without all the almosts, the failures, and the successes - you wouldn't be you. And even if the you that you are is terrible right now, one day you'll look back and think about how you "almost" spent your life as an asshole. But somebody pulled you startlingly out of that hole and it was certainly for the better. Then look at who you became. Self-aware.

So aren't you glad that you didn't throw it all away because of the way someone else made you feel, or even worse, the way you felt about yourself? Aren't you relieved for second chances and fresh beginnings and missed opportunities and the butterfly effect? You should know that failing once is not the same as being a failure. So just keep going.

You're almost there.


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